I am struck by the fact that at this point in my life it all comes down to that. I have found the right place to live, the right friends, family nearby, the right church (and when I say ‘right’ I mean only that it feels right for me), all contributing to what feels like a very happy life.

The right work is the last piece of the puzzle that needs to be in place.

I have moved increasingly closer as I have tried some things and,  much like Goldilocks, found some too much or too little….either in amount of time spent for money earned, or in the way they made my life feel balanced and content….or not.

It is a puzzlement, that it is not all one thing or another, but so many things that make up the right amount of work. I know I am getting closer, merely by the way I am able to look at it without fear, without desperation, but with admiration for the person I am assisting in this search…

She is someone I have come to admire a great deal through this process.

I was very aware this week that a family situation was incredibly emotionally complicated. I was not completely on the outside, but not on the inside of it either. Trying to remain outside of it felt helpless, because the people involved all meant a great deal to me and I wanted very much for there to be breakthroughs that would result in new found freedoms enabling all to move forward in their lives.

This also required some meeting of the minds, with respect to the reality of the situation. Coming from a long line of dysfunctional family coping mechanisms, this had the added concern of triggering any number of knee jerk reactions, all of which could draw attention away from the situation at the forefront.

My mind became focused on what I could do that would be helpful but not add any additional drama to the problem. As much as I was concerned, I had not been asked in anyway for input or advice, so staying on the periphery seemed the best place to remain. I found that the only effort I needed to exert was one to keep my thoughts continually turned to prayer. Whenever I had the urge to get involved, I instead turned it into a request for God to get involved. As a result, I found that there was no mess to clean up, nothing was said  that needed to be apologized for or retracted, and truly the best possible outcome came about with the least amount of angst and anxiety.

When in doubt as to what you can do…pray. Not as simple to do as it sounds. It is definitely not the easy way out. Yet it remains the shortest and cleanest answer to “How can I help?” and it truly keeps the drama at bay. In many of our recovering dysfunctional family scenarios, though it may be highly underrated, to pray  is truly the most valuable way to make a difference.

I have noticed that I have stopped posting in this journal ever since life became somewhat easier and a lot happier for me. My huge move out to the West Coast, followed by the birth of my granddaughter, and the ease with which I fit into my new community, all made me somewhat lax in writing about my journey. Prior to my move, life seemed full of challenges to my mind and spirit, and I enjoyed writing through them and documenting my progress.

After the move, though by anyone’s estimation there have still been challenges, I have felt so blessed in the midst of them I neglected to put pen to paper. Interesting. I wonder why? I think partly because I thought I was writing merely for myself. I have heard from several friends how they have missed my posts and look forward to my return. That surprised me. I really had to think why writing about good things was so much more difficult than writing about obstacles to good things. Actually, I am not where I want to be, even though I am closer than before. It all comes from working toward it…to be healthier in mind, spirit and body is a daily, conscious decision to keep going, progressing toward the next level of insight into my life and into living it completely and faithfully. Perhaps writing helps me to keep that commitment and not writing allows me to slack off a bit. I guess we will see as I commit to writing as I continue moving forward on this journey.

OK, it wouldn’t be that difficult to sit in the car long enough to pull out the directions and change my clock to Daylight Savings Time, would it? However, I do seem to forget to do it. At first I only notice that it has been a week or so, and make a mental note that I really should change it to the right time. After a month or so has gone by, I find I am making the mental adjustment rather quickly, and it seems almost funny to me to think about changing it. Soon after that, I realize in two months it will be back on track, so why not just wait until then?

Is that the way lots of us use first little excuses, then much bigger and more ridiculous ones, to cover up what is essentially laziness? Do we get used to taping something that is broken instead of taking the time to glue or fix it properly?

I just was thinking about that today as I noticed my clock was now giving me the correct time. The problem is that now I have gotten so competent at deducting an hour from the shown time, I am having a difficult time trusting that it is now truly correct. Could be that if we wait too long to change a habit that others have been asking us to change, they may have trouble trusting us as well? It is probably a lot smarter just to suck it up and change the thing as soon as we know it is out of whack, no?

I have just spent the past two months settling into my new life in California, doing all the things that accompany a big move: opening checking account, getting car registered, finding a church family,  finding a new job, etc., and not necessarily in that order. All in all a terrific way to get my bearings where I now live as well as giving me time to think about where I am at this stage of my life.

I had the very good fortune of attending a women’s retreat with my church this past weekend. There could be no better way of feeling connected in a new place than there was for me in meeting women with whom I already had so much in common. This is a church of truly faith-based believers, and I was overwhelmed by the depth of their sharing and their vulnerabilities. I was even more impressed with the depth and breadth of the heart of our God who met us there!

As I enter a new stage of my almost thirty year journey with Him, I realize the labels I have been wearing have changed. I no longer feel the need to identify myself as a “single parent,”  for instance. That has left the field wide open for God to give me a new assignment and perhaps a new calling. I have passionately defended and supported single parents for over thirty years, and always have and always will empathize with the difficulties they face. My walk with the Lord, however, has shown me that those circumstances are truly no more or less difficult than those  all women face, many with additional challenges involving a husband that can often make things considerably more difficult.

I have processed many things in this walk so far, just trying to stay afloat. Now I see that while there are certainly Selah’s (pauses where we can reflect and take stock of what has been said) in our journeys, there isn’t an end where we get to stay safe and secure and retire. If that happens we can consider ourselves stuck. God always has more in store for us, and my faith tells me that I had better make sure I get growing or He will certainly allow me some uncomfortable circumstances to help convince me to press forward.

So I instead choose to step forward, continually putting myself out where things happen and where God can continue to teach, love and support my growth. While this rest felt very nice for a short time, I recognize the best with God often comes in the hardest trials. So I need to keep risking and keep moving toward the prize, even when I can’t see it and may not even know what it is. It is, like any relationship, a sense of even more intimacy and love than I could ever have imagined, and that continues to expand beyond what I think is possible. Being blown away by His continued healing, loving presence in my life has always been the most incredible gift at the other side of a difficult time.  How exciting to look back at my journey, knowing He will continue to reveal His plan to me and light the way there, as well as continue to walk alongside me! How awesome is that!

Yesterday was a miracle day. It was the fifth anniversary of my oldest son’s marriage to the love of his life. That’s when the new love in our family began to spill over into my life in a big way. It was when I realized a part of me was a California girl at heart. Every trip to see my son and his wife in California let more friends into my circle there and widened my extended family.

A month ago I completed my move to the southern California city of San Clemente. It felt as though it was home immediately, and every day I have added new friends to my circle here. People were easy to meet and talk to. They seemed to go out of their way to make me feel comfortable. My dog was as content and happy as I was, and our daily walks to the Pacific Ocean were a source of confirmation, that I had made the right move.

But yesterday the reasons multiplied. My first grandchild was born to my son and his wife. I was there in the waiting room with her family for over eight hours. I think there are paths in the heart that cannot be erased after they have been traveled, nor can you ever turn around and go back to how you were before. Having a child is one of them. Watching your child have a child is another.

The experience was breathtaking, in the way that seeing the Grand Canyon only a month before with my youngest son was breathtaking. The difference was they get to take this little one home with them and continue the breathtaking forever. And I get to be part of her life until the day I die. I told my son it is like seeing your heart walking around outside your body and yesterday he said he now understands how that feels. Like the splitting of cells, your heart is split open and then multiplies, and more and more hearts burst open with love, and the wave of wonder and awe at this tiny miracle who comes into our lives and truly changes the landscape forever is bigger than one can imagine, until it happens to you.

I was talking to two good friends this morning and noticed I had repeated the same phrase twice, so I figure there is more than one person who needs to hear it besides me!

I was talking about going through my years of stuff, something I also find I am not alone in doing these days, and so many things no longer need to be saved. They are pictures, letters, papers relating to a me that I have outgrown. Oh, a lot of clothing goes in that category as well! Seriously, there are things that you have grown beyond, people who are no longer in your life, things that were important that have taken their seat in the balcony, or the basement.

We grow, hopefully, into the best version of ourselves over time. This requires updating, as would a previous edition of most books. A little editing, refining, making current the most important parts of our story. I referred to this refining as getting the barnacles off, as one would remove them from the bottom of a boat, so that it could skim through the water faster. That is what I am doing, scraping off barnacles for my own ease of movement to the next phase of my journey. What can I let go of that will allow me to travel easier, faster, a slimmer, more compact version of myself?

There are some parts I will leave behind. Past ways of earning a living, such as real estate and faux finishing, are probably best served traveling only as memories. They both carry a lot of weight in supplies and paperwork, past clients and information galore. I actually enjoyed the relief that followed my shredding of past files and was aware of a heaviness that lifted immediately off me. I am still wrestling with furniture, what to sell and what to give away, but that will sort itself out soon.

What I want is to take the very best, most streamlined version of my best self, pared down only to the necessities to maintain that self, and then begin my new life armed with the knowledge of who that person is, today, and what is important to her. On that I can build my best new life!

As I ready myself for Life Change # ?, I am once again revisiting my past, as I sort through what seems like more photos than I ever remember taking or being caught in and many more notebooks, yearbooks, documents and letters than I can keep (or need to!)

I have written less in my blog, but  I do seem to be processing more in my head. More thoughts, more inward thinking, more moments of just trying to make sense of where I have been so I can more easily chart where I am going. I had started trying to connect my own dots, see what were the common denominators of the former parts of my life. One of the joys of doing this is that it resembles writing one’s own memoir or eulogy, someone else isn’t doing it for me.

That is even one of my common threads, trying to put a name on my journey through life. I am getting closer. In the course of excavating hundreds of well-worn self-help books, I came across one that slipped by unopened. It turned out to be providential that I had overlooked it because it is the perfect guide for this part of my travels!

I have been trying to pull together ideas for a new job when I arrive at my new base in California. In reviewing past forms of both vocations and avocations, I began to notice similarities of intent, if not of description. This book is called Is Your Genius At Work? by Dick Richards, and it has really helped me. I don’t know whether it will lead to a new job or not, but it is helping me find the truth in my resume. It leads you through exercises to name what you do that no one else does in the same way, putting a two word name to your particular gift and seeing how your life and work line up with it. Its really more like extracting it from your life, because it was always there, and you have always been doing it (or trying to).  It would consist of a gerund (a verbal noun ending in ‘ing’) and another noun which together form an active representation of what ‘you bring to the party’ and would do easily and for nothing. Because that is true, it would also be your happiest form of employment or volunteer work.

I think what I would most like to do would require a counseling degree and Masters to do it for pay, but I am drawn to it nonetheless. We will see where God goes from here. Sorry to be so absent from blogging lately. I have been sorting through my life and it seems one can only handle so much downsizing at any one time and, interestingly, there have been fewer things to write about than when I am interacting with others ….which is also, it appears, a major indicator of my life’s work and perhaps my ‘genius’ as it turns out!

I am sitting here trying to figure out how to comfort my dog, Gypsy, through what seems like an endless storm this morning. I am grateful that I do not have to be anywhere else, but I really can do little to alter the fear that he is dealing with. My presence probably helps, as he does seem to want to find a place in whatever room I move to, but he faces away from me, almost as if he is trying to keep an eye out so he sees the approaching danger before it gets me. It is only because this is the opposite of normal for him that I even notice.

Heavy panting seems to be the way to calm oneself at the worst moments(if you are Gypsy), as when huge thunderclaps come. Right now it is actually almost quiet and he is slithering under the bed, a very tight squeeze. His body is all under but his legs are sticking right out. As I grabbed my camera he was able to pull them under as well, so I missed a cute shot. I guess he is recuperating from the last few hours and hoping it will be the end of it. Might stay in bed and pull the covers over your head be the human equivalent of his denial, or is he hiding so the storm can’t find him when it returns?

I was thinking of the panting exercises you learn in childbirth classes, to get you ready for contractions that you may not know will be so bad. I guess panting and breathing are the critical ways to live through unidentified fears. I know Gypsy takes a very different stance when facing a known fear, like an animal that doesn’t seem to particularly like him. Storms are a seemingly unknown fear, as I guess  the world could come to an end in any one of them, from a canine perspective. No amount of my telling him he has lived through this before seems to be of any help.

When someone tells you ” just breathe” it seems so simple and yet we often forget we are holding our breath. That’s good if you are going under water, but if drowning is not the fear, opt for breathing. When you hear a dog in a thunderstorm, his breathing is almost as loud as the beating of his heart. I guess that’s a good sign, when you feel your heart beating as though it would leave your chest….start breathing! Oh, and be sure to remember God’s presence is always in the room with you.

Not to take anything away from Forest Gump, but lately I am more inclined to compare life to dentistry! That could have a great deal to do with my age and/or the condition of my teeth and gums, or it might just be a good analogy to which only a lucky few dental victims can relate!

It is interesting as I continue this journey, looking back at the pictures and memories of my past as I make way for my future, that I come face to face with many emotions I have thus far refused to acknowledge. I guess I have made it this far by having a Pollyanna attitude about most things, choosing to put a smiley face on those things that caused the most pain, but about which I really had little choice but to accept them.

As I make ready my heart for the joy of grandparenting and everything leading up to it, God has taken me by the hand to revisit the months leading up to the birth of my first son. As it also held clues of a marriage that was not going to make it past the baby’s first birthday, there was a lot of pain mixed in with my best thoughts. That’s where the root canal comes in.

God is so tender and loving and always waits until we give Him permission to take us back and clean up our memories. Going to the dentist for surgery is similar. First you have to recognize there is pain. Then you have to decide how you are going to deal with it. You may try to ignore it for awhile, taking some kind of pain killers and hoping it just goes away. You may get so angry you just have it pulled, leaving forever an empty place where a tooth was, but at least the pain is gone as well. Most of all you have to count the cost. A root canal can be expensive. Saving a tooth with a cap can be expensive. You have to be willing and able to make the payment.

That is where I find myself with God. Once I realize there is a painful memory and I decide it is worth it to fix, we find a time and a safe place to go back into that situation and remember what really happened. God’s mercy and grace are the Novocaine and fillers for the job of excavating the debris that is causing the pain. An old decayed root that is preventing me from feeling complete joy. Once we go back and finish the job, there is instead a healed place from which I can experience total happiness! Instead of losing the use of that piece of my heart, I have repaired it and changed the memories forever. Now if something touches that memory, there will no longer be a sharp pain that pierces the moment for me, but instead a strong new surface, ready to experience everything that current moment holds.

There are friends who caution me sometimes “We can’t go back there, it’s too painful” but I say make the appointment and get it done! When something happens that triggers a painful memory, ask God to go back with you and clean out the dying root. You will never know how wonderful it feels to have your  heart healed if you aren’t willing to schedule the appointment with Him.