I have a bookmark that I keep in my Bible (I update my Bible about every five years, because I make notes in them and I always love a newer version that gives me new perspective and insights). It says on December 9th, 1983, I asked Christ into my life, and my life has never been dull for a moment since then! Now it probably wasn’t boring before that, as I am a person of high energy and life seems to move fast and pick up speed,  but previously I had no framework in which to resolve the recurring drama and disappointment.

So today is my birthday in Christ, and for some reason it is more special to me than the other one that comes every year…possibly because it doesn’t add any lines to my face? I won’t be offended if no one remembers, because I know Someone who will never forget. Nor will I. I was home with a newborn son, wondering why his father had failed to do all he said he was going do when the child was born, among them being accountable and participating in the costs of his care. The fact that this had been a long term relationship and formerly good friendship made the abandonment seem even more crushing; I had a business to run (a gift store at Christmastime….yikes!), another young son to care for, and my world seemed to be crashing around me.

At that moment a single mom from my newly found church came by to offer her time and assistance. In the process of her visit she shared with me the difference her relationship with God through Christ had made in her own life. She made her living as a Mary Kay salesperson, and yet not once did she try to sell me anything (that made a huge impression on me that lingers today….don’t try to “sell” Christ with anything else…..why I was always leery of pyramid schemes that suggested using Christ as a door opener!) Anyway, she tithed her time instead of money she didn’t have, and I am ever so grateful for her obedience.

Twenty seven years later, I no longer remember her name, but I am sure God has it in His Book, and I have the bookmark, to remind me that all my struggles have made sense since that time, and have opened the door to my heart to share His love with any others He sends across my path. May I never cease to be obedient to His voice for the lost and hurting. Not once in all these years have I felt a sense of abandonment from Him, even when something threatened to stir that memory within me.

I believe God has used this year to clear out whatever debris was left of my past, cleaning out closets and garages and attics with me to make way for a beautiful, bright and loving future. Having been willing to go to the mat with Him to clear the foundation and seal the fissures, I am seeing that I am open to all kinds of possibilities that seemed to escape my grasp in the years behind me. I feel as though we have done the hard work together, and the deep cleaning is over. Time to celebrate, throw open the doors and have that Birthday Party! I have asked Him for a special gift this year, and I will let you know when it arrives.

I heard from a good friend as a response to my last blog, that her group is her family. I thought about that, and thought how God really did put all the elements into our families that we need to grow emotionally. Unfortunately there is also always the potential to do harm as well. If we really could get a grip on the fact that this group is as committed a group as we may ever find in our lifetimes, even though for the first eighteen years or more of our lives, we may not be there by choice. However, what if we could choose to be there instead of fighting it?

Even though we can never see behind the curtains into what really goes on in a household, there are some families that come to mind when I think of how this might be true for a number of people I know. If we always hold the others in a safe and respectful place, there isn’t much that couldn’t be approached in that atmosphere. Living with others sometimes brings out the best and the worst in us.

As I read this I am watching a documentary on ADD (ADD and Loving It!…on PBS) and I think it is so well done that if it had been around when I was growing up, my family would have had a reference point for my behaviors and struggles, and we could have laughed more with me not always feeling like the brunt of the joke. I would also have been able to get started figuring out how to work with it rather than against it about forty years earlier. Might have saved me stepping into two marriages without much thought as to how that might go for me (and them!)

Wow, see even as I am writing this and totally absorbed, I am also not missing a word of the television program, proving one of the points they have just made! My poor family, they didn’t have a clue how to help me with something they really didn’t understand. No wonder I see ‘problems’ where other people don’t.  I am always trying to sort things that don’t seem out of place to many others. Now if I was only as concerned with the piles of magazines, books and assorted clutter in my home….:-)

This documentary has all the benefits of having ADD also, many of which you may notice in my blog! I hope so anyway. I know that all the people in my life help me appreciate my differences now and the long road it has taken me to get here. Thanks for being there and appreciating the differences!

As for my family, of origin and the one I created, I am going to get this DVD and we are all going to have some ah-ha moments over Christmas! Let the healing begin!

I was walking Gypsy the other day and noticed how, even though he loves his morning and afternoon walk and sniff’s more than just about anything except food, there is a significant excitement when we happen to run into another dog walking a human.

Is it that after days of living with someone who is clearly nice to him and takes good care of his needs, that he has just gotten a glimpse of something that offers the potential for more than that? Some other being who validates his shape, size, furriness, and communication skills? Is this perhaps why, no matter the outcome, every few years I try out a new singles site in the vague hope that someone of the male persuasion just might happen to be searching for someone exactly like me this week?

There is something about like kind, definitely. We do like to know that we are not the only ones inhabiting a similar body, and it helps to cross paths with others who look the same, are perhaps even from the same gene pool. I find that for me, connecting with others of like mind is also of amazing importance to pique both my ability and desire to want to fully participate in life and to be excited about my future.

There are blogs of people like me that I now read on an almost daily basis. They are out there in the world, and thanks to the internet, I can connect to them and feel instantly at home. My odd duck feeling dissipates immediately when I read something that sounds familiar to the voice in my head who has not yet given it words.

I also love to read blogs of similarly minded thinkers who are throwing a curve ball into my path. They make me turn my brain around like a kaleidoscope until I find a new picture that challenges or comforts me. At the very least they urge me, without criticizing, to change the channel for a moment and see if I might enjoy something different than I had previously thought.

That’s why I love these blogs. A chance to put our thoughts out there; sometimes others tune in and add to the music, sometimes it’s a solo, but it sounds good to me either way.

I had the opportunity to watch a couple of movies this week as the holidays approached, and I realized how often movies portray the nature of our families as we grew up. It is indeed a bottomless pit of possibilities for fun and dysfunction!

I noticed how uncomfortable I often was in watching ones that reminded me more how I felt in my family of origin, and how much more comfortable I was watching the ones that really showed the craziness, but also a deep acceptance and love. The one that brought me the most tears, laughter and joy at the end was Little Miss Sunshine. A mess of characters to be sure, all packed in a VW bus, but it was the total acceptance of their differences and uniqueness that finally cracked open their immense love for each other.

I am most grateful as we approach Thanksgiving, that I have in my two sons and daughter-in-law, the family I always wanted: the ones who would jump up on stage with me if I was making an utter fool of myself (if for no reason other than the fact the people I was trying to please were the real jackasses). There is no right or wrong way to do most things, only different ways. We lose a lot when we forget that and criticize one another for being different. The saddest part is they also miss out on feeling the love that we may actually feel for them.

I know my family knows who I am, and while we may not always agree with each other, we respect each others differences and actually seek them out, rather than a family group-think mentality. We all learn life lessons from each other, and I hope that will never end. It is that for which I am most thankful. Enjoy your family, and lighten up on those criticisms….instead, how about telling them one thing that you love most about them because it is different from you!

I was reminded yet again, that the safest way to make more acquaintances, and stay on good terms with many people, is to never delve into any area conversationally with any depth. That way, no one’s feelings get hurt and no one puts themselves at any risk (by no one, I mean me).

I have come up with a list of the possible things that are OK to talk about. I am going to venture out of my comfort zone this week and try them out, particularly with people who seem to like to stay on those topics.

1) What I ate. 2) Where I ate. 3) With whom I ate. 4) Plants and flowers and 5) Rate the weather today from 1-10. There. That’s it. If I stay on those topics I will probably triple the number of people who will want to talk with me daily.

From there perhaps I can start to follow a team of some sort, and then with all those in my repertoire, I may become proficient at lasting more than a week on a singles dating site.

Is it that I am really deep, or that the world appears sometimes rather shallow? I have a friend in my Bible study working at having deeper thoughts. She is finding it quite a struggle. I, on the other hand, am grasping at straws for some really surface comments about life.

Cheerios, standing in my kitchen, my dog Gypsy, no garden at present, 9+….(OK, I really think the last four days have been 10’s, but does that make me a Pollyanna? Someone told me it rained one afternoon, but I didn’t even notice it!  I mean this weather is fabulous!) Oops, there I go again…off into the wild blue yonder of thought and enthusiasm….now stop that. It might lead to meaningful conversation. Perhaps food conversations could do that also…? Maybe I am missing something!

I was invited to dinner by my niece last night, and asked if we could stop and pick up a bottle of wine for our hosts en route. I have always felt incompetent in this area and don’t have any system to follow, so I asked her how she goes about finding a wine to give to someone. What she replied amazed me.

“I look for the one that is not the cheapest, but maybe just a little above that. Then I look at the label to see which one is attractive to me…it could be its design, colors, or something on it that reminds me of the person (a frog, a rooster?). Then I decide whether white or red based on whatever I know about their taste or what they are serving. Voila!”

Having been around some fabulous connoisseurs over my lifetime, I have to say I was thrilled. This was my system too!!! Coming from a twenty-something, it certainly validated me and let me feel I hadn’t missed a whole lot by being out of the wine loop for years.

In the end we picked one with a rooster and a color on the label that matched the hostess’ kitchen…bright red! Now I wonder how that will affect all the people making those wines so worried about the aroma and all those other things that we are supposed to be looking for? It was terrific, and so was our meal….a perfect match …for the kitchen, the cook and our pocketbook!

As far as using the computer goes, my son says the baby boomer generation is “obsessed with forwarding.” I have to admit I finally agreed with him, as I opened my  900th email sending me a ‘money angel’…if I merely forward her to eight people in twelve minutes I will receive an unexpected windfall within four hours! Who comes up with this stuff, anyway? And why would anyone in their right mind (and I have to believe dementia has yet to set in for most of my friends, although I am not sure how much longer some of us will be able to keep it at bay!) would believe that these absurd things have any value?

All I can imagine is that it reminds us of when we were little and we played a game walking to school (yes, we ‘walked’ to school in those days). It was “Step on a crack, break my mother’s back” and other sing song-y rhymes that went with it. OK, a part of me knew that my mother’s back was really in no danger, but….what if? What if it did break and it could somehow be traced to my stepping on a crack? Would I live under the guilt forever of having caused it by not avoiding that obvious line on the sidewalk?

Too much to bear. Easier to just avoid the crack. I think those things ceased to bother me after I accepted Jesus had died for my sins. I must say for the past 27 years I have had no fear that any single action like stepping on a crack would cause unforgivable consequences for my family members. Thankfully, I can walk the dog on a sidewalk without that running through my brain any more. But why are we still forwarding this nonsense?

I wrote my friend back this morning and asked her if anyone she knew had ever been the recipient of a windfall following their obedience to the God of Forwarding Absurd Financial Nonsense? I also suggested we each put $10 in a savings account every time we receive one from now on. Let’s see, 900 times $10….I would definitely consider $9000 a windfall! Alas, I doubt that my missive will be forwarded…..I wonder if a picture of a cute little fairy would have helped?

I was speaking with a good friend and sister in Christ today, grateful that she was yet another wounded warrior who has graced my life over the past twenty seven years. I had the vision of her as suffering a kind of post traumatic stress, having been hurt by her church a long time ago in the aftermath of a divorce from a Christian husband.

Whether we like it or not, very often some of the harshest blows to a believer have been delivered by other well meaning believers. One of the greatest sorrows I have seen is the one of someone who loves God but is terrified of His church.

My picture of her, when I met her almost twenty years ago, was of a woman who was shell shocked. It was as if she had been wandering in a mine field and was not sure where to put her foot next. I had been given her name by a man in my church, and I went to see her with her permission. Both recognizing a fellow traveler we began a friendship, albeit tentatively, that has stood the test of time and many misfortunes, because at the center of it was our mutual love of God.

She and I share a heartache for those who often go unnoticed in a church, those who may come one Sunday, only to sneak back out the way they came in. We often don’t have eyes to see those who have been hurt by other churches, perhaps even by our own. I believe it takes a person who has walked a similar path to notice the body language of that person. As much as they want to be there, they are somewhat fearful of the well-meaning of others.

I believe there is a huge calling for the wounded healers to come back to the Church right now, to give it another chance. I also  believe that the church needs to value the people that God calls there, and try to discern by the guidance of the Holy Spirit, why they might be there. I believe they do not come in their own strength(because they have been worn down), but in His, and they have a great deal to offer the church right now. I believe my friend is one of those we should listen to, because God is saying something through her story that we need to hear.

I pray that her church will not only receive her, but welcome her with open arms.

It has a price. I don’t know anyone who has as much freedom as they would like to decide how to use their time, their day, even their money right now. It seems as if we are all trying to weigh one thing against another as there is little if anything left over at the end of the month!

It is causing me to think deeply about Christmas presents. What would really be appropriate and useful to the recipient, versus what hits me as a potential answer to the immediate ‘get something for somebody’ approach so I get it off my brain!

It seems to be one of the great benefits of this down economy. Everyone is realizing that time is as important as money, particularly when so many are picking up a second job just to try and equal the total they used to have with one income.

I don’t know about you, but I am really noticing when someone takes the time to help someone out, sacrificing their own time for another. No matter how much we have had our own reality affected by the economy, we don’t have to look far to find someone else who has been  hit worse.

May this be the year we all notice those ‘unnoticeables’, and do what we can to make it just a little easier for someone else. We all have the freedom to make a choice to help the persons we choose, to lift their spirits or, even if briefly, their experience to a higher level. The cost of compassion will be repaid to you ten times over. Believe it, and see if someone comes across your path this week with a problem for which you might just have the solution.

I am pondering the situation in which I find myself  and wonder, am I practicing patience and long-suffering? Or am I just postponing the decision to go all out in what I believe God wants me to do. There are seasons in our journey, to be sure, but I am realizing how it will take some discernment to give up the safety of a paycheck to return to my certain faith that God will provide all that I need if I am doing what He wants me to do.

I think perhaps He knew I needed to see the value of that which He has put on my heart, but also to see the value of how He sees me. In a place where my strengths are really under utilized and almost become weaknesses, I am learning that there is a place where I am able to do much more than just live through the day.

I have always been available to be an advocate, an encourager to those who were getting weary. I now see Him sending the same kind of missionaries into my life to encourage me. There is a “job” that needs doing and sometimes when you feel you have no job you are doing perhaps the most important one of all.

I was speaking to a wife and mother today who also spends a great deal of time taking care of her aging parents and I told her, as I had told another friend just last week, that God has to have some missionaries that don’t have daily 9-5  jobs… so that they can be available to show up when everyone else is at work or so tired after work they can’t drag themselves out of the house. Most of us at work can’t even answer our phones  if we were to get a call, so our timetable means that others have to put their needs on hold.

This made me think that  I may be trying to operate on my own timetable and not on God’s. I believe when I am in sync with God’s plan for my life, it doesn’t feel sad when I wake up and go to work nor do I feel sad at the end of the day when I come home. While I often had bills I couldn’t pay on time and didn’t know where my next paycheck was coming from or when, I had joy in my life every day from the places God sent me and the people with whom  He connected me.

I miss that sense of doing daily what He instructed and being led by His spirit. I feel like when I check into work I check out of His plan for that length of time. At the end of the day I feel exhausted and sad. I have never felt that way in the past thirty years, even though I have been stressed by lots of circumstances, I have had such strong faith that God was in control. It is giving me strength to reexamine my circumstances, and come up with the courage to leave the safe for the uncertain, and once again be working with God.

I have, at the very least, more awareness of why it is so difficult for many to leave the certainty of a paycheck, no matter how much they may not like their job. I am grateful, however, that I learned to lean on God for provision a long time before I saw the temptation of leaning on a paycheck.