I had the privilege, at the occasion of my 80th birthday in France, to be the recipient of all those nice remarks people often make at someone’s funeral. I had written about this once before, as my youngest son thought it would be a great thing when I got older to have people come and say the things they say at funerals when I was also present to hear them. Well he was, once again, very correct.

I enjoyed my 80th birthday in France, the guests of two friends who have been on my life journey with me for the better part of thirty five years now. They had compiled a bunch of photos from that journey with the help of my sister, and curated them along with a testimony to the lifelong reclaiming of the person I was born to be. Paying tribute to the fact it has taken three quarters of my lifetime for me to recognize myself as they did was a large part of both their contributions and those of my older son and his family who joined me there to celebrate.

I am so grateful to have been present to hear the “respects” that often do not reach the ears of many older parents and friends in their later years, especially during periods of much family activity in their adult children’s lives that can leave them feeling emotionally abandoned or forgotten. In striving not to be a burden, they often have a difficult time voicing their true needs as well; having spent their lifetimes being attuned to their children, they also have no desire to add to their middle aged children’s very full plates. We spend a lot of time trying to avoid the falls, the illnesses, the car accidents, things that would make us visible but in a victim way that holds no luster for us or them. We are also trying to avoid that time where the rest of the family has a zoom call to decide what comes next for Mom…a home where there are other people in the same condition where she will be more comfortable? Ugh.

Holding onto our autonomy for as long as possible is one of the main drivers of our everyday life at 80. It is not lack of love that is underneath everything at this point but usually fear, on both parts. So many financial and personal issues on every side of the equation. In the midst of that is the reckoning that we are also losing our most trusted friends, confidants and often our spouses. That complicates how we go about sorting things out in our own minds. Someone our own age and life experience is better at helping us, especially if they are in the same or better condition of mind and body. Our way of getting to answers seems convoluted and long winded, especially to our children for whom a one word answer to a text is more than sufficient.

The changes in ways of communicating have advanced so rapidly since we were 60 that many of my friends just left off atter learning to email. They do not have smart phones, they stopped at flip phones. They still write checks for every bill. This has displaced them more than anything from their children and grandchildren’s lives, but for those of us trying to absorb it all has been a challenge too. Even getting a new TV can take away the comfort of the old one where we knew just how to get to our familiar shows. Everything becomes an ordeal, as new technology is involved at every turn. Trying to rewire our brains to accommodate all the changes is frustrating at best, overwhelming at least. Asking for help when we never needed it before to change the time on our clocks. for instance, is a bummer and makes us feel diminished.

All this to say, if at all possible and at every chance we get, we should try to encourage one another, especially our elders. To pay our respects forward, so to speak. To thank our parents/grandparents for all the things they did for us, and to recognize their sacrifices on our behalf’s, as we now notice they are doing for their own children. I think that would go such a long way toward alleviating the loneliness that is bound to creep into an elder’s life, as everything else is becoming less familiar and it is easy to feel that even our families are moving past us in their hurry to keep up with their own fast moving, complicated lives.

The interesting thing is, at least from my point of view, that when those steps are taken during a lifetime at its tail end, the need for speeches at funerals, for belated sorrow and forgiveness, and even the need for a funeral and memorial will be diminished, if not negated entirely. They were present to hear the good respects paid, and that was all that they ever needed to feel they mattered and were loved and appreciated. It is truly good for everyone. Pay it forward if you get the opportunity, or make one; as my three year old grandson often encourages me, “You can do this, Jojo!” And you can too.