This is my story of forgiveness when it is really, really hard. Many years ago, when our son was just one year old, I found out purely by accident that my husband, his father, was having an affair with my best friend. This was alarming news and was soon thereafter followed by our separation. Later on she also left her husband and in a year or so after that they married and I had no choice but to interact frequently, as the care of my now two year old involved every other weekend with his dad. This kind of stilted relationship continued for a couple years, until my I moved my family to upstate New York. His dad didn’t object to this as he was fighting his own inner battles with alcohol at that time. Our subsequent moves to Berlin, Germany and later to Florida also did not negatively affect the infrequent contact my son had with his father, nor did he object to them. So our contacts became less frequent as years went by.

It was only later, when he was in college, that I began to notice how deeply affected he was by the triangular relationship his parents had formed, unintentionally. My son had become very close to his stepmother, as she was often his primary caregiver on visits over holidays or summer. They had established a connection that I could not totally understand, as I was never present when he visited and he often, in later years, came and went by plane, so we never overlapped or had occasion to speak. What I realized during his college years was that way we communicated, which was usually through my ex, had been severely triangulated and misinterpreted on many occasions, as the third party interpreter in the middle, my ex, often played one side against the other without our knowledge of what had actually been said. This became confusing to all and since there was already hurt feelings and distrust involved, clarity on issues involving my son were complicated and left him the confused party in the middle of the mess.

Finally becoming aware of that pain he was silently enduring, I approached God with my dilemma. They had never apologized for the betrayals they had subjected me to, especially when their affair was secret and I was totally in the dark. That left a very deep wound in my heart, as it seemed as if I meant nothing to either of them. Yet it appeared that the only one that was really hurting besides me was my now almost adult son. Holding on to my resentment was not helping him or me. I wrestled with the idea of forgiving them, even without their request for it. That seemed just too hard, as wasn’t I the injured party? But what I saw was that my son was really the most injured party, as he loved his mom, but he also loved his dad and step mom, and was always torn when he was expected to choose a side. I decided I would make a deal with the Lord, not usually a great idea in my limited experience. I told him I wasn’t willing to outright forgive them, but I was willing to be willing to forgive them, should God change my heart. those words had hardly escaped my lips when I felt a sudden unexpected change of heart. I went to bed and woke up the next day with absolutely nothing in my heart but compassion and love for my estranged friend and ex husband. We later shared holidays and family occasions, like our son’s graduation, all together without the hidden hurt agenda I had repressed for years. Even when she later went through an agonizing, early end of life battle with cancer, we were able to fully support one another and I was able to reassure her of both my ex-husband’s and my son’s love for her in the last days of her life. She already knew she had mine.

This story is one I have referred to often in Christian circles as proof of how much God want’s us to forgive those whom we have even a very good reason to refuse. The lightning speed with which He changed my heart proved I only needed to be willing to be willing to let Him, not to actually come to that place of willingness on my own. The unexpected results were the joy of both my own and my son’s ability to enjoy the fruits of a wonderful relationship with her and make some more good memories together before we lost her. I will never regret that decision and of course only wish I could have come to that heart place sooner, for all our sakes. But better late than never is also true, and once done, it was done for good. Thanks be to God.