Our society hasn’t a lot of ways to process the relationships that matter most in our lives, especially if they end badly. We are left to do it in private, and for many that means shoving them down deep into the crevices in our hearts, hoping that they will stay put there. Unfortunately, life continues to unfold over the years, with our children turning into adults who make their own life choices, marry and often have their own children. Much like making an angel food cake (Wow, does that date me!) often when we are folding the new ingredients into the mix, we bring up something from the bottom as we stir.

Even though we may love the ingredients that are going into the cake, the parts we have hidden in our hearts may start to surface. Typically they come as triggers, not welcome additions, and we might find ourselves wondering “where did that come from?” It may be sudden bursts of anger or tears, sometimes overwhelming even a precious family moment. I found that the birth of my first grandchild had as many tearful, unexpected feelings accompanying that first year as it did joyful ones, in part because I had never grieved the unhappy parts of her father’s first year, times that included an affair and separation/divorce from us. The new additions accompanying my grandchild were welcome feelings, but the ones they replaced were difficult to hide. I found I would wake up in tears when I stayed overnight, partly because of the love I had witnessed as they held and put that tiny baby to bed. The love, safety and nurturing of two parents that I was observing was gut wrenching, on a level that I had never allowed myself to feel when I was in the midst of it. What we had missed out on all came flooding back, partly so my tears could wash away the old sadness and loss so it could be replaced with the wonderful, solid and healthy feelings that were now available to me.

Many of the additions to my heart have had oddly similar reactions. While all of them were objectively positive, they always caused me to look back at the deep hurts that had preceded them. In many ways, the more I tried to avoid doing that, sometimes with the help of anti depressant medication, the more I only postponed the inevitable.

I often think in the old days, when people wore black arm bands for a season after losing a loved one, it made it a bit easier for them to continue to process a deep loss. It signaled to others that at least there had been a recent loss, and it surrounded them with some space, grace and kindness. Often we will now go right back to work, back to life exactly where we left off, slapping a happy face emoji on the grief or anger we can’t even feel, let alone calculate how ignoring it will affect us later in life. No one else knows unless perhaps they follow us on Facebook and we don’t make any allowance for it. We may even have a celebration of life for the lost one, even for those who took their own lives, as if we can put a nice lid on our feelings as well as those of their siblings and all those affected by their death by only remembering and celebrating the ‘good’ memories. We may bring food and sympathy to a widow, but we expect a newly divorced woman or man to quickly pick up the pieces and soldier on into a new chapter in their lives with as little negative baggage as possible. Not really possible, except where someone is very good at burying the evidence in the crevices of their hearts. But look out down the road for IED’s! Maybe we should reconsider those armbands?

I was home chicken soup-ing my hanging-on cold and I decided to check out an online will creation site. Within moments I was updating lots of information, as the last one I did included an ‘unborn child’ of ‘unknown name’ who is turning 42 next week!
I have to say, that was a time for me to thank and acknowledge God for preserving me to the age I would no longer need to figure out who would raise my sons if I was gone. Until year 18 of the youngest was all I asked for, but I have already enjoyed their college years, marriages, children, homes and successful businesses they have built, so truly above and beyond my simple early requests!!
This is one very grateful Mom/grand mom here!
Beyond that, and the naming of an executor for what remains of the small (but certainly extravagant for me) provision that my Mom left when she passed five years ago, I have gratefully continued to work part time, even to my eighties. With that and the help of a small social security check I have been able to meet all my current expenses and I am hoping I will leave, mostly untouched, what she left me to further pass on to my children and grandchildren. I am praying God uses me up and takes me home quickly, so that I do not drain what is left after my usefulness date. Perhaps it will be enough for something that catches hold of their heart but is a stretch for current family finances…..like a musical instrument or art classes or help for a deposit on a home or condo. I would like it to be a way they may always remember how much I believed in them, loved them and admired the unique gifts God has given them to use.
Other than that, all the categories listed reminded me I literally have “no earthly goods” at this point in my life. Though I have owned six or seven in my lifetime, I no longer own a home. My paid off car will take me to the end of my own driving, but will not be worth handing on. I have no jewelry, and frankly I have never been great at anything but misplacing anything of value; and by the time I might have bought some for myself, my hands were much too arthritic to want to call attention to them!
So it was quite simple to complete my will, now that the main thing that previously caused me distress…. ‘will you raise my son if I die before he is on his own, and will you let him see his brother who will be with his father and step mother? And will you love him just as he is and encourage him to grow into the man God meant him to be?’…was no longer an issue. Unfortunately I believe that most difficult question for parents, to whom will they entrust the raising of their children should they die, can be the reason most parents never make a will; often the answer will bring up family with children of their own who may be already overloaded, or childless family or friends requiring our complete trust (in God) that they will instantly become good parents, or they may even be your own aged parents who may not be physically able to in the future. You come away from the whole experience realizing, faults aside, that you are indeed the very best parent for your children, having known and loved them unconditionally since birth and that no one else can possibly replace you, so you leave the moment determined to take much better care of yourself going forward so that you last! You also realize they are your single most precious ‘belongings’ and the only true legacy you will leave, even if they are only entrusted to your care for a very brief time.

It is for many reasons a good idea to review/make a will, as it not only causes you to face where you are at present but also to recount your many extravagant blessings over a lifetime; it is truly a blessing remembering what matters most in the rest of your one precious life, committing any current requests to God with thanksgiving, for He has already shown you how faithful He has been and how very dearly He loves you.

I just finished reading Man’s Search For Meaning by a man who survived several concentration camps during the Holocaust. It is worth a reread at least every decade because it puts perspective into whatever seems to be threatening our sanity in the day to day. As I am in the end of my seventh decade on earth, I found much of his logotherapeutic approach very comforting. Especially his words about the elderly. Many of my contemporaries, even those who are in excellent mental and physical health, are feeling as though they are being put out to pasture by their children. It is more a dismissive approach to anything they might have to contribute, whether it is by word or deed.
I loved the way Victor Frankl referred to the older people in his manuscript. The youth of today who have not witnessed firsthand a war involving their country, their friends or their family members are missing the context of so many of their elderly relatives. The price that has been paid for the freedom they now enjoy to criticize everything and everyone has been hard earned and hard-won. The respect that our generation grew up with for the generations who paid that price is totally missing from the headlines and from the words and hearts of most people who convey our daily news. This wears heavily on the hearts of older people who are still trying to stay involved and relevant in their families lives, but who are constantly aware their perspective is viewed as incorrect by a much more ‘politically correct’ generation who no longer revere the history older generations actually have lived through. There is often a smug dismissal, rather than the respectful honor most of us over seventy experienced growing up, for the stories and memories of our grandparents. I am always saddened to hear from friends that they feel so invisible to their families.

Remember that charismatic church I mentioned in a recent post? Well, in the rear view mirror I can see so many reasons God had me stop there on my journey. One of them was to bring hope or to at least provide a huge ray of light to a woman he cared for dearly. She had been a member of that church for many years.
She was one of a small number of single moms who had been drawn there and while she possessed an incredible knowledge of God’s Word and a strong foundation in Christ, she was seen as a less than honorable woman based on the fact that she was a widow at a very young age and had a child out of wedlock afterward as well as two from her marriages. At least that’s the way it appeared to me as an outsider and certainly seemed interpreted that way in the very male-oriented construction of that church. The only women allowed to mentor or teach were those married to pastors or elders; well, except for two single women who happened to be very wealthy. They were held in high esteem and had preferential treatment very different than the single moms I was closer to. This was a church that had long practiced a strict tithe of 10% of one’s income. I’m sure that their wealth didn’t have anything to do with their acceptance, although some of the other moms were on government assistance.
I arrived at the church neither wealthy nor long immersed in Christian theology, however I had a strong love of the Lord and a feeling of full redemption from recently being saved that was unflappable. I was a breath of much needed wind of the spirit for my good friend of the now over forty years. We broke bread together often and our fatherless boys at least had an emotionally similar friend in the church community. There were things I loved about the music and worship, which was indeed the mainstay of this community, but as I began to read hearts I saw a lot of hurt concealed there as well. That wasn’t something I could fix, nor were the pastors interested in addressing it, but I always believed I was meant to be there for the time that I was. It was part of an incredible ‘real time’ education in my walk with Jesus and He continued to teach me as we walked the road of Christian community together. God knew learning in real time, rather than by reading, was always a better method for my retention of important things.
The reason for this post is while I left that church only a couple years after I arrived, my friend was not so fortunate; when she finally did leave a great deal of damage had been done to her spirit. As she says, she walked away from Jesus for a long while after that, although He certainly never left her. Just last week she renewed her commitment to Him and her terrible anxiety of the last decade or more has finally begun to lift from her. The prescription of anti depressants a current doctor had given her sent her into a tailspin and then to the emergency room of the nearest hospital last week. After all the tests were run, she realized that there was no physical reason for the anxiety tearing her apart. After that she recommitted her life to God through Jesus and she went home, literally and figuratively, to a new life with no more anti depressants. I spoke with her today and she sounds more like the hopeful young woman I met forty years ago than the one I have spoken to by phone in recent years. Total dependence on Him is the fastest way to rid ourselves of anxiety and also by truly trusting the outcomes of our situations to His love and care. He does not disappoint, though the way he takes us may be new or unusual, often I find they were never even on my dashboard. Looking back there is not one that I would have wanted to miss!

Thoughts just rattle around randomly in our own minds; perhaps we share them with a friend but mostly they are just kept to ourselves. A prayer, however, has an end receiver. Those of us who believe in God are constantly communicating with Him, and even as we have a thought it becomes a missal, quickly projected into the heavens. At the speed of light it hits its target, the God of the universe, true Creator and in charge of all things on earth. That good wish we have for someone becomes a powerful intervention on their behalf, instead of just rumblings in our head.
I think of it like a situation where you know your younger brother has been playing with matches. You have a choice as to whether to let your parents know about this new and exciting interest he has found. If you don’t tell them, but just keep it as a thought in your head, perhaps nothing bad happens but there is also a good chance that he may cause harm to himself or others in the near future, if he does not understand how dangerous fires can be. If you tell your parents, they will have an opportunity to intervene and make the consequences of playing with a potentially destructive object much more clear to him, as he may disregard your admonitions as envy on your part. By trusting your parents’ intervention, you may prevent future casualties.
The first instance reminds me of a thought, versus the second, which seems more like a prayer. When we ask God to protect, love, intervene or take charge of a situation, we are relying on Him to take care of the person in the situation and bring the best outcome possible for all involved. Since we are limited in our own knowledge of the situation, we cannot know the best way to do that, but the relationship we have with God has taught us to trust that He has full knowledge and wants the best for all of us. That is why I always turn a thought immediately into a prayer and do not hesitate to always reference it as exactly that. It seems when someone says “thoughts and prayers” they are really admitting they do not know the difference or, if they do, they do not want to completely trust the outcome to God’s providence and are trying to cover all bases, thereby really covering none at all.

We are told that we are the hands and feet of Jesus. That we are also all a part of one body of Christ. These are familiar sayings in most of the denominations that I have been part of in my church journey over so many moves and forty plus years. I have always had questions that placed literal biblical interpretations directly up against figurative ones in scenarios like this.

I particularly remember one small charismatic church I joined in my first move after I gave my life to Jesus. It was different than any church I had ever been in and they often had lively services on summer evenings on the grass behind the old barn that housed the church in upstate New York, and young women would dance happily during the worship music. It was fun to see such an open expression of joy and hand raising in praise as we worshiped the Lord together. There were a number of changes in my life during that time period, which actually deepened my faith and my personal relationship with God rather than weakened it, but when I was led to leave the church and move my family to Florida, I was met with suspicion. No one left the church easily, it seemed, and there was a lot of submission to the elders’ judgement in terms of personal decision making. I never left my autonomy behind, knowing full well God had been with me when I came there as a single mom and He would be with me when I left as a single mom, so I wasn’t a bit worried that they didn’t agree with my decision.

I did dare to question the elders however, as to the whole ‘family of God’ thing or more explicitly, the Body of Christ expression, because I wondered if there happened to be only one nose, say, and that nose smelled fire and tried to tell everyone else; but the others didn’t see fire, feel fire, or smell fire and so they just told the nose there was no fire. When I tried to tell them some things I felt God had prompted me to share with them, their response was basically “God didn’t say that to us.” So I went on my way, taking my faith and my children with me. I always felt if we each as a Christian had a piece of a puzzle of a body, and I happened to have the nose but I didn’t put my puzzle piece on the table with the other pieces, it wouldn’t reveal a complete face or a finished body. How do we know which piece anyone has been given until they share it, and yet a refusal to share one’s piece makes the whole face or body incomplete, doesn’t it?

Years later, although that church didn’t burn to the ground, it basically folded for many of the reasons I had tried to share earlier with those in authority. I felt badly that they had not been more open to a conversation with the whole church body they shepherded about things that really mattered, to them and to God. They were certainly not expecting someone relatively new to their church, and that person also a woman, to bring something to their minds they hadn’t considered could possibly be a word from God. The Bible is full of examples of God speaking through many, even an animal (Numbers 22:28 anyone?), who did not fit the criteria of the day that those in high religious authority required in order to ‘hear’ God. I have always loved all those stories, especially where God totally surprises everyone!

I saved this as a draft over fourteen years ago. I had someone ask me this question the other day. I have been back on the East Coast since 2018. It is now 2025. I share the rest of this original draft mostly as a reminder to myself that unless we change something, some things don’t change. I still do not have the discipline of a writer, but perhaps I am realizing my heart leans that way and I am enjoying it more, now that there seems to be so much less sand in the hourglass.

from notes, 2013:

The past year and a half since my move from East coast to West have been full of new adventures with God. I see Him everywhere in my life and the things I see are often like parables and seem to matter to people when I share them, particularly those who know Him well.

Yet I go from one day to the next, many of them with time to sit down with a computer or a pen but I have not done that. I did do it when I was struggling to make sense of my life, to see the next step ahead of me, wondering how to provide for myself, or at least I did when I thought I was struggling….and therein lies the difference. I am not struggling now, even though I continue to seek His guidance every day, many times a day, for the same reasons I did before. The difference now is that I am confident He has the answer for me and that He will present it at the appointed time: His time, not necessarily mine. And I know that it is good, in fact, perfect that way.

I must begin to write these things down, because they are becoming too many for me to hold in my head and recount to those who seem to want to know. When  I am questioned by someone about the meaning of something in daily life, these stories all spill out of me. I am often asked why I don’t write them down and I have no answer. I do not want to get to see my Maker and have no answer. I must look at my time differently and expect more of myself. I believe that He may be expecting more of me, and I don’t want to let Him down. The people He has put in my path are daily miracles, full of wisdom and insight and the power of His love and our prayers in this life. It is a rich and wonderful story that needs to be told, even by someone who thinks she is but a grain of sand. It is not for me to ask why, but just to do my part. This is my portion.

This was quite possibly one of the biggest lessons I’ve ever learned in my life. I only learned it after years of hurting myself and my son by holding onto betrayal and believing I was somehow owed some sort of apology. I had a husband who fell in love with my best friend and neglected to deal with it until we had a son and had purchased a new home. I gave them both the benefit of the doubt, even when my own mother suspected them, continuing for some time believing they could never possibly do that to me.

I was wrong. They could and they did. When I finally found out it became a soul crushing betrayal by two people I thought cared deeply about me. It was difficult for me to recover and continue in relationship with them, yet I had to because we shared a 1 year old son when he left. She left her husband a year later and they were married for over 25 years before she died much too young of cancer. We continued with a polite but empty communication style for years, often snagging when my son spent vacation time there.

Fortunately, long before we lost her and while our son was still in college, I had an amazing conversation with God that changed everything. I was crying out to him that they were causing great emotional harm to my son and therefore to me. Everything seemed a horrible triangle, with my ex blaming me to her and her to me, for anything that had to do with the financial support of our son. It was always difficult to get to the truth of anything. In the very old days I might have trusted my friend over a cheating ex husband. But this was the friend he had cheated with. An absurd mess that I didn’t want my son in the middle of, ever. He loved all of us, and did not want to choose sides. Nor should he have to. We were supposed to be the grown ups. I cried my heart out to God and asked Him to please intercede on our behalf. What I heard back in the silence was ” are you willing to forgive them?”

Nope. That was easy. I was not willing. Yet, as I sat with the pain of my son caught in the middle, I tried to find some way around that question. I didn’t do it, why should I have to forgive them? Silence. At this point my mind started to query whether I had ever done anything for which I should ask someone’s forgiveness. Of course there was less than total clarity on that issue. In my mind, I could find at least some questionable behaviors of my own, even within my marriage. There were certainly many other relationships I had been in where I might not have behaved well, or as well as I could have, all the time. Yet I did not remember any specific apologies on my part. The thing I wrestled with most was the agony caused to my son, when he had done absolutely nothing wrong and got caught in the middle of our adult drama.

I reframed the question I felt God had asked me, rolling it around in my head. While my response didn’t change, I did realize that an act of God might be absolutely necessary for the results I had requested. I then quietly whispered to Him “I am not willing, but I am willing to be willing”. I thought that was a way of somehow distancing myself from the consequences of my reluctance to obey. Wrong. What I had forgotten was the fact that God changes hearts, and I had effectively just given Him permission to change mine.

It wasn’t a minute later that I realized I had nothing but love for my ex husband and my friend, who had now been his wife for many more years than I had been. What? Wait a minute here. What? Where did all my justified anger go? What about all the…(^$%*&($#@!) things (that I suddenly could no longer remember) that hurt me? Ironically they had been replaced with thoughts of …why shouldn’t a child enjoy the love of two moms, both his Mom and his step Mom, when that love was offered to him so genuinely? Why would any person want to come between that? And so it went from there, for at least five more years.

If there is any story I have shared more in Christian circles and prayer groups, I cannot remember it. Even when it is hardest to change our stubborn minds and hearts, I always offer this advice: Tell God you are not willing to change, but you are willing to be willing to change. He will do all the rest because all He needs is our permission and He goes right to work! I never knew what hit me, but hit me it did. And I was the one who experienced the loss of our deep friendship when she passed away so young and who understood my son’s heartbreak at losing her. It is I who have missed her bright illumination at our future family gatherings with the amazing grandchildren she never got to meet or love “to the moon and back!”. God restored a deep, respectful relationship between us that, while not exactly the same as it had been before, was magnificent, made even more precious because of the cracks that had been so delicately and purposely filled within it.

I got a sweet thank you note from one of my nieces yesterday and included in her response to my joy following the birth of her daughter was an admission similar to many others I’ve received from my nieces and nephews (and sons!) as they welcomed their first child into the world. That first week or two and often again, even much later, were moments where they became fully aware that having a child (especially on your own, lacking a supportive spouse, nearby family and financial stability), was suddenly a daunting revelation to them. Add into it being a single parent already raising an amazing five year old with a 7-day-a-week storefront to run, ten employees to schedule, supervise and pay, and you have an even better glimpse into my complicated life 43 years ago. I really don’t remember that much of it, yet moments like this when I can pause and reflect are somewhat mind boggling to me too, for sure!

How did I do it? Well, that’s I guess that’s how it became the point at which I asked God into my life, having my actual ‘come to Jesus’ moment on Dec 9th, 1983. I knew I was truly outnumbered now with two small sons under six and I was definitely going to need some help. It is definitely the anniversary I most remember and celebrate in my life, one my Mom always phoned me to mark as well. Not because it was so special on the actual date. It was a just a day that a single mom from my church had come to help clean my house, while I was home recovering after the birth of my second son. Her money was tight, but she always tithed ten percent of her time to the Lord and I was the grateful recipient of her love and service that particular day. Although I had regularly been attending our Presbyterian fellowship for the past three months, she didn’t take anything for granted so somewhere in our day she asked me if I had ever asked Jesus into my heart? I replied something along the lines of “not in so many words.” Having been raised Christian, baptized, confirmed and having always attended church, I didn’t know there was anything missing, at which point she said ‘Well, let’s make sure’, and then she gently led me, with my permission, in the sinner’s prayer. It was not an event followed by lightning bolts from the sky and yet, looking back now, it was definitely the most important moment in my life.

After that, all my decisions were no longer made alone but with the quiet guidance of the Holy Spirit, as the Lord took up residence in my heart. As with any move-in, there were things to be sorted out and cleaned up, some to throw away, some to move to a secondary position, some to add to the existing mores and celebrations that were already in place with my little family tribe. We made room for a newcomer, Jesus. And my life was never the same after that; by that I mean never as lonely, never without joy, never without provision or the hope of provision for me and my boys. Life changing.

I guess this website is the story of some of those times as my memory is jogged here and there, just a note or a quick story, to pay tribute to the all encompassing love that came to fill my heart that day, assuring me that I would never run out of that love, regardless of any other struggles and circumstances sure to come my way. Such complete fullness, impossible to describe, though I do try.

Psalm 27:5-7 NIV

A year ago I received a call from the lady who plans the annual Gala that supports the crisis pregnancy center in St Petersburg, Florida. She was getting people lined up to head committees for that year’s celebration and she was reminiscing over the year prior. I had moved to town only one year before and had known no one involved in the pregnancy center ministries there. I had found a church family and about that same time one of the pastors announced she was forming a team to look into the possibilities of our church helping to support that ministry and I stepped forward to assist that committee.

Within a few short weeks I had met the woman who ran the center and bonded with her immediately as if we had known each other for a lifetime. Actually I have learned over the years that that is exactly the feeling one has when God puts you in a place where you never thought to go on your own. With that in mind, I signed up to be on the decoration committee, feeling it would be an inobtrusive place to help wherever I could. We were zoom calling our meetings at that time and I attended each of those where they admitted they had yet to find a head for that committee. I knew no one but had met the Director one time, so I just listened to try and get up to speed on the needs of the center. The gala date was only three months away and they were feeling a bit desperate. I volunteered to take the lead and come up with some ideas and prices for the formal evening for 250-300 guests for dinner at the huge and not exactly cozy Coliseum. They had no theme and no color scheme. In retrospect, I have often found God has me step in when no leaders step forward and then He supplies both the ideas, skills and the people I will need to succeed. I call myself a place card holder because I never really take possession of a role, knowing the rightful person will be arriving sometime soon. I fill in the gap. It always happens that way and it is easy for me to also step to the side when it does. I am a sub, by gifting and by nature, it seems.

The plans and team came together and all was provided that was needed. I was even able to use some of my ‘decorator’ talents to save the center a lot of money on the presentation. It was a gorgeous and warm welcoming evening. My abilities to do elegance on a shoestring allowed for a significant gain to their bottom line that evening. They had usually hired a decorator or event planner. When the financial officer looked back on it she called me to ask “Where did you come from?” as she couldn’t remember how I swept in and then, just as quickly, swept out of their midst ( I moved to Jacksonville two months after the Gala on the spur of the moment, to be in place for the birth of my newest grandson). In trying to replace me, she had tried to think through the whole scenario of how my being there had come about. We enjoyed a great conversation, as we retraced how God had supplied the very need they had laid at His feet in prayer, by a means they could not have foreseen (i.e. no one they knew!) and in His own perfect timing. We decided to pray together that He would do that once again and to trust that He would, as we already had proof that He had.

It is always fun to be reminded of things that He has done and the way He has provided for those who put their trust completely in Him. I came as an outsider. These women, many of them the same who started the center, had put together this Gala for twenty eight years. The revelation to us both on that call was that even though I was an ‘outsider’ to the center, I was an insider to the faith that ran it. They knew me because we both knew the One who sent me, and we recognized, from our long but separate journeys with Him, that our hearts were indeed already family. They trusted me implicitly, because they trusted Him completely. How often I have witnessed that in my lifetime and it is so beautiful. No egos to put aside. Grace.