I am back in the Bible study, trying hard to hear God, and yet not believing what He is saying, although I am getting confirmation so fast it makes my head spin sometimes. Today I was reading in John 21:15-17, the part where Jesus is telling Peter what to do. Peter is being questioned about his love for the Lord, to which he replies of course, you know that I love you, but the Lord is commanding him three times: then Feed my lambs, Shepherd my sheep, feed my sheep.

He has given me a ministry to be an advocate for working Christian single moms. They are His heroines, and He doesn’t want them forgotten, as they go about their daily struggles, rarely asking for any help besides prayer, relying on His provision for their needs and those of their children.

Meanwhile, I am still trying to figure out how I proceed with what He has asked of me, worrying about providing for my own bills and obligations and needs. He keeps impressing on me to step forward and do what He has asked, even though I cannot see how that helps my circumstances in the least. The drum in my head only beats louder. Follow me!

Sometimes, and frequently in the past, I must admit, God’s instructions have seemed crazy. They would seem to make me look irresponsible to others. He continually brings me back to “why do you care how it looks to others? I want you to see how it looks to me. I don’t have a back up plan. You are it! If you don’t put your puzzle piece down on the table, no one else can come and attach theirs. You will never see the whole picture if you don’t begin with the piece I have given you!”

Please don’t think He is yelling at me, because He isn’t. Like a parent who has reaffirmed the same thing several times to a child, He is only being firm, and perhaps a little frustrated. He knows I know better. I have already seen His provision for over 27 years of my life raising two children. I know His timing is perfect and He will never abandon me. So what am I waiting for?

Embrace the rain today and make the calls. Start the newsletter and let Him bring others to help complete it. I am beginning to think it may rain for forty days and forty nights if I don’t start right now! I am remembering Jonah on the ship and the high seas that nearly overtook them. He finally said to the sailors, its me. I am causing the trouble by not being obedient to what God has asked of me.

Lord knows, I sure don’t want to come face to face with my own big fish!

I was prompted this week, when reading a blog about abortion and how we have or haven’t dealt with it, to write a small response telling my story. Divorced, with a five year old son, finding myself pregnant at age 37 and in crisis. The father of the child was an also divorced friend, but the sheer reality of a pregnancy brought a quick end to both the relationship and the friendship.

I was surrounded by female friends who were very clear about what they would do if they found themselves in a similar position, and all offered in one way or another to drive me to the place to terminate this problem. I was adamant that the only women I wanted advice from were those who had either had an abortion or a baby out of wedlock. I knew only one of the former and none of the latter. This was before I became a Christian, so my friends were very forward thinking about what they “thought” they would do.

As for the one I knew who had recently ‘terminated an unwanted pregnancy’ (these words are cold and lifeless to me as I write them, somehow void of any emotion at all, something else that should have been telling for me even then), and when I asked her to tell me how she felt ‘now,  she burst into tears and then hung up on me. She never did tell me. I wanted to know what I would feel like twenty years later and I wanted to know that day. A very difficult thing, because even though abortion was legal, no one would talk about it. I kept thinking, how can they think this is a good thing, if it becomes something a woman has to keep secret for life?

Since I had already had a child, there was no convincing me it was not a child, and the decision had to be made quickly because each day was more painful and confusing than any I ever remember before or since; as I recall, I found out on a Thursday, drove to tell the father on a Saturday and was scheduled for the procedure on a Tuesday. There was little time to get input and weigh my options.

Not finding the support I had hoped for with the father, I was already at Monday night when I made a call to a good male friend on the other side of the country. I remember taking the phone to the basement (I lived in the northeast then and we had basements) so that my young son would never overhear this conversation about his sibling to be. I knew somewhere deep in my heart that I could never maintain the open, honest relationship we had if I erased all the evidence of someone who was also family to him, without even asking his opinion (I would never had gotten his permission, I knew, but it seemed a lot to hang on a five year old, no matter how grown up he seemed at the time). Then I listened to the words of a man whose only offspring had been terminated by a former girlfriend.

I will never forget the words he used, because they washed into my body and spread through my soul quicker than an IV bringing an instant end to the pain I was in. He said “What were you doing the next nine months that you couldn’t do pregnant?” There it was. Gray area, in a decision that had previously seemed to have only black and white sides to it. At that moment I experienced total peace and confidence that the decision to carry this pregnancy to term was the right and only decision for me. The decision to keep and raise that child could and did come some months later, but there was never a moment of looking back from that moment on to this very day, some 28 years later.

I offer this as an alternative that can be given to anyone who may find themselves at that crossroads with that enormous decision resting on their shoulders and so very heavily on their heart. Twelve words. If there is someone who can appreciate and embrace that gray area, they will recognize those words when they hear them. I responded immediately by laughing and crying at the same time, a whole world of trapped emotions bursting out of me in huge gasping waves.

Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Because I couldn’t think and I wasn’t in my right mind. How could I be? I will tell you that even though I am an artist who loves and appreciates bold and vivid colors and who has never been much of a fan of dreary, dull days I used to reference with this color, I have never been so grateful for gray as I was that evening.

In the past few weeks, as God struggled with me and I with Him to really hear His directions for my life, I was caught by one recurring theme. How often well meaning Christian friends seem to play ‘devil’s advocate’ in my life.

Not that they were meaning to, exactly. I found that if I shared what God was doing in my life, or the crossroads at which  I found myself, several of them responded quickly from their own flesh, and very often added advice that was really harder to process than if it had come from a non believer. I wanted to give it weight, as I knew they loved the Lord, but God warned me to be careful of listening and taking that advice to heart.

I used to say, when I was much younger and still hoping to find the guy who would fill my heart and complete my family, that I would almost prefer to  have my heart broken by someone who didn’t know the Lord, than by someone I had met at a Christian function. It was much harder to get over being hurt in the name of Jesus, than by someone who didn’t even profess to know him.

I think that is still difficult. I now have mostly Christian friends, but I have to be very cautious in whom I confide when I am trying to hear God’s voice clearly. I have only a handful who have the discernment not to offer advice from their flesh, about how they think I should proceed or what they think I should do in a given situation. I am very blessed to have those few and I thank God for them daily.

I get excited about what God is doing in my life and often rush to share with sometimes total abandon with the first person I talk to after something I think is amazingly the Lord. Often the person I am confiding in does not have enough experience in the things of the Lord to know how that could seem even vaguely exciting to me. This is where God is training me in discernment. He has given me a large dose of that often for others who ask me for counsel, but lately He is really working with me on better protecting myself and the gifts, challenges and passions He has placed within me.

He  may also use complete strangers, speakers, books, sometimes even a tiny text message and I am sure a Tweet on occasion to confirm His directions to us. He can also use non believers in ways that speak to you loud and clear and focus you like a laser beam right to the path He wants you to see. What I have found is that sometimes friends may respond completely from their own fear of losing where I am in their life, or because they wouldn’t want to do what God is asking me to do, so they caution me against it, slightly framed as though it were a word from God. It seems to have a little more conviction that way, and don’t we all want to keep things from changing when they suit us; it’s really hard to resist that temptation, isn’t it? It happens to all of us, so we have to examine our motives, don’t we?

Words that seem to counter what we feel God is saying are harder to hear from well meaning friends, but as my ear gets more finely tuned to God’s voice, I hear can hear them almost before they are said. I am getting very private about the people to whom I turn for counsel. If they are not grounded in a community of worship, a Bible study and fellowship, a daily practice of meeting with God, but even more important: If I don’t hear and see them turning to God for direction in their own life, but merely asking Him to bless the direction they want to go, I know they are not where I should turn, and instead I keep his communications with  with me private and guard them in my heart. He will tell me with whom I am safe to share them.

Again, more listening. God made me a talker and a sharer, incredibly vulnerable with my openness to others. Deep listening and keeping things to myself have come with much difficulty for me. More counsel is not necessarily better counsel. I have had to learn that many Christians(who wouldn’t think of eating without first asking His blessing on the meal) will not pray, even silently, before they speak to another Christian, and may do great harm or even cause a setback, from the direction that God is leading someone else. I believe we are part of an immense trust when we speak for God into someone else’s life. We are meant to be encouragers and to lift one another up. Unless we hear God definitively, and we have been asked for our wise counsel, sometimes we also just need to listen and then continue to ask God in our private time with Him to direct that friend or loved one.

We need to use our words carefully, and  His even more prayerfully, if we are tempted to quote scripture, as we do not want to cause one of his chosen ones to stumble from the path on which He has put them. It is not our path, so we need not be afraid. If He asks them to do something, He will provide the means and the way. He will not allow them to come to harm. There is a much higher price they will pay in their own walk with Him if they follow our advice instead of His. Just a word for all of us to remember, we never want to be used as advocates of the devil in our well meaning for Christ.

The people we love and care about most deeply may be the ones where this will be most difficult. Let us continue to hold them up in prayer first, last and always, as God truly knows best. And for those of us He may have asked to go into a difficult or unknown place, breaking God’s heart by refusing to go where He has asked us to go would be the deepest hurt of all.

I think this could all have been said much more succinctly, but as I am working it out as I write, I will  probably come back and make more sense of this. God is always acting as proof reader and nudging me to make changes, so usually I publish right away and make changes for the first one to five hours after. If I didn’t publish right away, I would probably think of a million reasons never to publish it at all. Once done, it just gets modified a bit. Kind of the way God works with us in everything . It all boils down to the best thing any Christian can offer anyone else is the extension of God’s grace….in any circumstances, in any place or any time. That is the gift that keeps on giving, that is accepted by everyone, like the perfect credit card! No one ever returns it, they just pass it on. How cool is that? Probably food for another blog thought…this one is way too long. They are getting like book chapters, hmmmmm, God’s next?

I recently had occasion to visit a friend at their home several hours from here. This friend is very much a Christian, and attends Church on a regular basis.  Bible study is also a part of their weekly practices. This person is very careful about their finances, and it brought up some interesting points for me to consider.

There is careful, and there is stingy. Which one, if either, represents our stewardship of God’s money? I believe that while this is very much a matter of our own personal relationship with God, we must be careful that we also represent the way other perceive our faith and reliance on God. On the other side of this coin I have Christian friends who are way too generous with what God gives them, and never worry about taking care of themselves, being very willing to take care of others. Which is a better advertisement for our Lord, or is either one really accurate?

Another thing I noticed about this particular friend was how they unplugged every single lamp or appliance in their home when not in use. This supposedly conserved energy and also cut way back on the electricity bill. What I noticed, as a guest in their home, was that when I awoke early and wanted to read my Bible study for the day, I was bumbling around in the dark, trying to find not just a light that could be plugged in, but also an  outlet to source the power to it.

It occurred to me that this way of conserving power and currency was also a way I perceived this person’s faith.They would ‘turn God on’ when they decided they needed to. Certainly not in every situation, nor one where they had their own agenda for how things were to go. They would ask God’s blessing on their food, and thank Him for His provision. When it came to how to spend or how to choose most things in their life, they were very much OK with the way they personally decided to do it.

There is something about being poor enough to have to turn to God for almost every provision in your life. It becomes more of a habit. When you cannot afford to make a wrong choice, you really want God’s help in making the right one. This isn’t always the one you expect or even want, but if it is in the direction He is taking you, then you might as well get on the train going to that station as on one going the other direction. In the end, there is so much more ground you have to recover if you went the wrong way!

Many of us have found this to be true and as a result have found the older we get, the faster we turn to him for directions. Unlike my GPS system, I have rarely found God’s directions to be incorrect. I have never thought He got it wrong. Also unlike my GPS, I have yet to end up on a dead end street going “What???” I usually go “Ah ha! That’s why you sent me this way instead of the way I was going to go!”

I see so many friends struggling with directions for their life right now. I am right there with them. The only difference is that some of us are actively seeking God on a daily basis to see if we should “Turn right, then stay on the motorway.” Sometimes His directions are only given one step at a time and we don’t have anything that will show us how many miles we have to go or time until we reach our destination.

The wonderful thing is, we will never regret those moves that had everything to do with Him and His plans for our life. I ask the question, are we plugged in to the source all the time for our marching orders, or only when we feel lost or in unknown territory? Are we bumbling around in the dark when we have total 24/7 access to that source? And are we conserving His energy for when we need it more? If so, why? Did He ever tell us there was a limited supply and we need to conserve it?

Like God’s love for us, the more we turn it on, the more there is to give away. The more we accept and receive, the more we have to give willingly and freely to others He puts in our path. He is the source who never raises His prices nor looses His power. Our light will never be turned off…. unless we do it ourselves. So my question remains, are we plugged in?

I recently had occasion to re-evaluate something that happens, yet we often don’t even realize it for what it is. I had a situation at work where we were aware of another company where I had formerly worked, shutting down their local operation. They had many Realtors working there, so it meant they would all be shuffling around possibly frantically, trying to find a new place to hang their license.

Having gone through this process myself several times over the past 20 years, I immediately thought of the people I had known there and what they would be going through. The people whom I had known and who came to mind were mostly women over fifty and single, no great surprise there!

While I am not a natural recruiter, and even though my company gives a reward for bringing in good new talent, those things don’t motivate me as much as knowing that if someone hadn’t called me to tell me about this small and wonderful firm, I would have been at the mercy of the big conglomerate offices, which really never suited me very well.

I called my Broker to tell her I was going to email and or call a few people, only to get her husband on the phone who told me had just sent out an email to everyone at the company and he had used my name. Now you gotta know I love this guy and he is a dear Christian and a very motivated and helpful marketer for our office. There was just something about “using my name” without me knowing how or giving permission that struck me as a little uncomfortable.

I did go on to call and write those people whom I knew personally, and left it in God’s hands as to whether they made an appointment to go meet and speak with my broker. Yesterday, while talking with another Christian friend I somehow got on the subject as it related to a situation her husband was going through at their church.

Often I think we forget to realize what is involved when we are using God’s name. We may even subconsciously include it to cover a ministry situation,  when we are leading a Bible study or even when disciplining or advising our children; our intention is to be saying or doing what we think He would have us say or do. However, how often do we really stop to ask His permission for our well intentioned words or counsel? Do we do it every time, or just once in awhile? I wonder if He ever feels like I did,  pausing to think that while I trust you and I know you love me, is what you are saying exactly what I would have wanted you to say?

All the thoughts,  feelings, motivations and passions of my life are embodied in my name. Is Christ any different? Only more so, if you ask me. So my thought for the day is, when considering what we say and do in His name, shouldn’t we first remember to ask His guidance and input on what we are about to say and do in His name? If we follow through on that, every time, I don’t think we will get out of alignment and then need  His correction further down the line.

I am remembering Dear Abby, and all the others who gave us their take on this or that social dilemma growing up, where there seemed to be a correct answer to handling a social situation between people. Today there is so much information available, it is mind boggling, and yet it seems we still struggle with how to be appropriate, how to handle social interactions, how to heal without hurting others.

I am struck at this point in my life at how differently I look at the dating scene than I did the last time I tentatively passed through. Perhaps this has to do with having fully surrendered my life to Christ, not just in word, but in deed. I can quickly process through inquiries on a website, because if they don’t list a relationship with God, or attendance at a church and/or Bible study as important to them, I know that they would not be the people God would be bringing into my life for any long term purpose. Even ten years ago, this would not have been a problem or even a part of my sorting process. I would have thought that I could bring that spiritual dimension into someone’s life. No longer do I feel that way.

I am too far gone to go backward, even for the sake of someone else and their journey. Not that I am not supportive; I will do anything to offer God’s love and encouragement to another on their path to knowing Him intimately. It is just that once you have known Him as brother, friend, Father, provider, and husband in your own life, it would seem worse than divorce or death to leave Him out. Fortunately, for the way He presents Himself in our lives, He can and is an important third party in any relationship going forward. To have Him in common brings an instant knowing and sense of family to people who have just met, who  may have very little else they would normally share as like interests.

I was struck today by two friends my age asking for my help in their relationships with the opposite sex. How to address people in their dating lives in words and yet not say anything hurtful or misleading. I think that as Christians, it is even more difficult to navigate the dating waters, because we are so conscious of acting in His name, and wanting to represent Him well. I have a few concerns about the church and its approach to older singles. I feel they often ignore them. I feel they are missing a golden opportunity to provide a safe and comfortable arena for older singles to meet each other on non-dating terms, without the fear that they may find someone who is actually leading them away from Christ rather than toward Him.

I believe, and have for twenty years, that there are ways to facilitate this process and keep the hearts and mind of those precious people safe. I believe they are just as important to Christ as are His youngsters stepping out for the first time into the arena of love and relationship. In some ways, it is even more critical that we do not get hurt or lose our way, as we have already found what is most important. I do not believe that God only wants for us a life of serving and showing up to fill the many volunteer capacities that a church always needs filled, for which  older singles  always seem available.

I believe that God wants to partner some of them and use them even more effectively as couples, people who have testimony to share, to offer hope for how God heals and provides and blesses, even after tragedies have separated them from the path their lives were originally taking. I am confident that He is beginning a new work, where the churches will begin to step forward into an incredible opportunity to minister to those who already occupy their pews every Sunday, who for the most part would never think of asking anything of their church for themselves. It is just the way we were brought up, and it is something we would probably see as a selfish request. If asked we would answer, “I’m OK, God is good, He is taking good care of me, I am fine”. But my question is, is that really God’s Best for that person? Would  even some of them find a more complete healing and wholeness and ability to serve Him if they had a supportive partner for this unique time in their lives. It is a time they have so much wisdom to offer, and yet are so often burdened by just accomplishing the everyday tasks and finances alone, having no one to share that journey with, yet never wanting to burden their children or their church with their happiness and health issues.

Is it possible for me to eat alone almost every meal of my life and be grateful? Absolutely. Is it God’s best for me? I won’t believe so until He personally informs me. As of yet, I have not heard that still small voice saying anything of the kind. I am listening, however, and I hope He will give me direction for something that weighs heavily on my heart, because I know that I am not alone in this feeling. It is the burden of the others that He has placed on my heart that makes me speak up where I would normally push my own feelings aside.

I have some ideas for ways to address this within our churches, how about you?

I offered to lead a Bible Study that was starting at our church last night. I have been on the receiving end of so much growth in the previous three that I have attended, and I felt God was leading me to step forward this time. I was thrilled with the enthusiastic turnout that greeted me at my table, and definitely felt I was the fortunate one as none of these women need leading (maybe corralling for all of us?).

As we proceeded through the getting to know you phase that always opens the first night, I saw I had a group of rebels and thinkers, they are way ahead when it comes to finding a way to get to the heart of the matter and simplify the route! How refreshing that was. I am known for a bit of that myself, and here I am surrounded by a tribe of gifted rule breakers!

I am thrilled with the upcoming opportunities for all of us, and as I told them, I am just keeping God’s seat warm, ready to turn over the reigns whenever He shows up at our table…..as He will frequently do. Since there were more women than chairs last night, He may well need my seat! I know that when women turn their hearts to Him, He always shows up and has incredible things to share with us. I am always thrilled that “I’ll take a rain check” is not part of His vocabulary!

I apologize for being somewhat off the radar getting this New Year off to a great start by doing the things that always drag me down first (getting tax stuff compiled for my accountant, etc.) But having done that, I expect to be way more present for the things happening daily in my life and the things God points out that I might share with you. I am wishing all my friends and readers a spectacular new year, full of new possibilities for dreams come true!

This morning I woke early to start on the completion of my one New Year’s resolution…to log in a budget and get my financial info online so I can see it and use it (no more missed bills?). So that next year, doing my taxes will be easier, and instead of spending three days (as I just completed during the Lost Week…yeah for me!) as I just did, or dragging it into April or even July as is most often the case for me, I will just pull up the figures from one spot! That will give me three extra days, and untold anxiety-free hours I wasted procrastinating, to put toward something new and different in my life!

There is a video I go back and watch when I need a little extra fuel to get something done (filing, cleaning the refrigerator, etc.) that my niece put on her face-book page. I am trying to get it here as my first venture into adding videos to my blog (another unfulfilled resolution last year). If it is here, I have succeeded. Thanks to my son sending me a course in word-press email, that I just subscribed to this morning ( I won’t tell you how many months ago that email is dated!). I just watched the one on adding videos…so easy, I can’t believe how long I feared it and let it sit unwatched in my inbox.

Jessica has more raw energy than I can get from anyone my own age. When I watch her, I remember being a kid and I rewrite my history with Jessica’s theme. Instead of beating myself up remembering failures, I just absorb her attitude and go out to greet the world today. Who knows how much time I can make up for with that positive courage!  Lookout world, here I come!

it took several tries, but I did it before the day was over, Yeah for me (and thanks, Jessica)! Happy New Year! Be sure to cut it off after jessica…I think it links endlessly to who knows what…that wasn’t in the video cues I got, how to stop it!

I am visiting my Mom for the holidays in Vermont, close to its border with New Hampshire. Needlestosay the signs of New England colleges are all around us, but never so present as on the backs of the vehicles. I did notice that most of the vehicles were nearly identical, a Subaru all terrain four wheel drive version being most noticeable, due in part to the frequency of snow here I am sure. One begins to wonder if after graduation all students run out to purchase the same cars,whereby a terrible kind of group think mentality comes to mind. Certainly not what we hope for our best and our brightest.

Does one drive more carefully behind a car that says Dartmouth College than one that says New Hampshire State (If there even is such a campus, I am not sure). Is there a respect afforded the driver of a vehicle with Harvard on its rear window? Do we stay further behind, realizing the occupant may well be a lawyer who could sue the pants off us should we get too close?

I wonder. Some of those cars will be traded in one day, and will  the stickers be removed by the owner prior to the changing of title? We wouldn’t want those signs of our accomplishments driving off with some n’er do well, now would we?

I have to say, I am not that impressed. One could easily stop by any college campus and pick up a sticker that represents nothing but the fact that I know my way to the bookstore on that campus. The one I really admired was one that boldly displayed the colorful letters DD. We all instantly recognized the signature icon for Dunkin Donuts!

As we drove off at the next exit to get a warm cup of hot chocolate and a honey glazed treat, I really believe that guy had more impact on our immediate happiness and comfort than anyone in all the other cars with their impressive college affiliations. Hard to tell what all that expensive education produced in many of the vehicles, except a predisposition to purchase an identical car, but we were certainly grateful the donut guy wore his insignia so proudly!

I think many of us are noticing that we need others both to keep us grounded and to lift us up lately. Many of us are turning back to church are attending in a more committed and consistent way than we may have been in the past few years.

Among my older single friends, many of us are noticing a real need for community in our lives, that we have become somewhat isolated. Perhaps because of the tighter economy and the lack of easier part time employment, many are realizing how difficult living alone is going to be in the future.

Beyond that, I think we need to surround ourselves with others who can see God’s goodness in a world that increasingly seems turned inside out. Neither Christians, nor churches, are perfect, but at least we don’t seem crazy to each other when we put our trust in something and someone other than the Almighty dollar!

It will be interesting to notice going forward, how this does or does not impact society at large. I believe Christians are really seeing that they can no longer sit back and do nothing. While we were working and minding our own business, there was a movement afoot to take over so many of our liberties. We have to stay awake and read and take responsibility for our actions or lack of them, and we have to vote. Every time. With as much information as we can gather. Critical thinking is really important right now. We need to put our best brain forward!