I am finding it more and more difficult to write lately. I seem to be on the verge of tears from morning til night. I can’t seem to get caught up on whatever is missing to make the tears stop. Nothing has happened recently. Nothing bad.

This morning I was thinking how important the good memories are to block out the ones I don’t want to revisit. Just somewhere to go in my head where there were other people and happy times around me, even if I felt a little like I was outside looking in.

I only seem to feel comfortable when I can cheer someone up, encourage them to see that things will get better. That seems to be what puts energy back into my system. But lately I have found that I am having trouble filling up. I seem to be down a few quarts!

It could be because I seem to have no time for anything but work, and I am so drained from that and my lack of contact with anything or anyone outside of it. I guess this is how so many people have gone through life. They have to find something for their time off that is so different than the daily grind.

I never had that situation before. I loved my work and all that went with it. I know that this time is just for a season, but why does it seem so much more difficult than losing my home, bankruptcy, and all the other things I seemed to bounce back from. I am asking God to help me understand this one, because it truly keeps me floored.

For the first time in a long time I know there is a paycheck at the end of a week worked, but there is no happiness to accompany it. I lived for thirty years not knowing when I would get paid for my work, but trusted that God would provide. This seems like I have somehow abandoned His provision, although everyone seems to think it is wonderful to know that I have a paycheck. It is a dilemma with which I continue to wrestle.

I need Him to send  the encourager to me. Perhaps that is why He wants me to see this. To see how important my “job” was when He sent me out to encourage others. To see myself as He sees me, the way He made me, and why.